Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
