I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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