got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
