He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't deserve a penis
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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