I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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