My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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