just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
