Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
