Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
