Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
