cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
