this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
