Who wears a wallet chain?!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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