I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
