shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
