One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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