i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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