I showed him my bush... on skype.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
