either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
