What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
