So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
