Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
