the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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