Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
