Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
