He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
