i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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