I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
