She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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