he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
