I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
