I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
