How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
