I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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