the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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