She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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