his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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