Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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