One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
