This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
third nipple confirmed
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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