I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My underwear smells like fireworks.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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