It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He has the fingertips of a God
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
