I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
