i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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