You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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