I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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