Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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