my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
being pregnant is like rehab
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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