If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
