So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i need some magic done to my vagina
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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