Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
