I met the friendliest cop last night
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
