oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
her facebook's as public as her vagina
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
