it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
There are leaves in my underwear?
God, I missed his penis.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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