I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
