Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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