I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
