Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
