Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
