this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
