Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
